There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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