The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
