Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just had sex bonerless
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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