OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You are the jesus of drinking
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
