He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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