Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize