Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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