tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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