Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
