9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
