Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize