he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
