My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
