upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
this just has baby written all over it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
