This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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