i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
