So drunk its hurt
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
why do cheetos always look like penises
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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