I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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