so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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