did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
wanna go halves on a baby?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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