Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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