Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
