So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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