You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
