Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
