Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
