I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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