So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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