I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize