for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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