you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
