I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
