Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
