I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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