if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
