Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
