hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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