just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
