come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You have to summon your inner elephant
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize