She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize