I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
