HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
