that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
