After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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