Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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