I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
