I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
