why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
