I seem to have left my pride at pride
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
