i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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