hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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