Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
