weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize