I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
