Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize
