i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
