i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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