i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
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