I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
