I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
