I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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