My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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