Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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